Oh No! Not *another* 'Season 6' fic!
by Cal
Summary: The much-awaited sequel to my Post Gift mocking fic. This is basically a parody of all the weak attempts at season 6 fics that are popping up everywhere. No offence, guys.
1. Gee, we haven't brought Buffy back in a ...

Author's Notes: After receiving tremendous feedback for my Post Gift fic, I decided to try my hand at mocking the many season 6 fics that have popped up everywhere ****

Author's Notes: After receiving tremendous feedback for my Post Gift fic, I decided to try my hand at mocking the many season 6 fics that have popped up everywhere. Oh, by the way if anyone notices my writing seems a little over the top or excessive, that would be a deliberate technique. Just to clear that up. Enjoy! 

This is dedicated to everyone who read and reviewed my Post Gift fic, especially Also to Lynne, 'cause she's just such a sweetheart.

Spike staggered along the dark street. Ever since Buffy's death he had spiralled down into a deep well of depression, and would often attempt to drown his sorrows in drink. He fell to his knees and vomited. Suddenly a bunch of female Spike-obsessed writers appeared from nowhere and said,

"Like, oh my God, Spike is so hot when he pukes!"

They then disappeared.

Spike stared. "What the bloody hell was all that about?"

* * *

"Wah. Buffy's dead!" cried Willow.

"Wahh." cried Xander.

"Wahhh!" cried Giles.

"WAHHH!" cried Dawn.

"Wahh." cried Tara

There was a pause. Everyone turned to look at Anya expectantly.

"What?" she asked obliviously. "Buffy kinda sucked anyway."

Dawn stood up. "That's it. I miss Buffy too much, I'm gonna use my don't-have-any-powers-of-any-kind power to bring her back. Yes, despite me waiting and doing nothing for about 3 months, I've suddenly decided to bring Buffy back now."

"Oh no, Dawnie, you can't!" Tara protested urgently. "The law of witchcraft, etc, selfish means, blah blah I'm so boring please Joss kill me off now."

"Good point." Willow piped up.

"Aww! But-" Dawn paused and looked like she was working something out. "...Actually, never mind. I've decided I will....uh, _won't_ bring Buffy back after all. Now, if you'll just excuse me, I, uh, left the oven on." 

Dawn began to hastily make her way towards the exit. 

"Just a minute." Giles suddenly said. Dawn turned towards him, a guilty look on her face.

"Yes?" she asked nervously.

"What are you doing with that large book, entitled, 'How-to-bring-people-back-from-the-dead For Dummies'?"

"Um...uh....well, it's for uh, a friend of mine. Called, um...Jimmy McJim...jim."

Giles stared at Dawn for a moment. She held her breath. Then, he smiled.

"Alright then, run along!"

Dawn turned and walked quickly from the shop, hardly believing she had got away with it.  
"Schmuck." she muttered.

* * *

Dawn went to find Spike, who was currently in the Summer's house raking around, looking at mail, taking clothes and generally doing other various disrespectful and unnecessary things. 

Dawn burst in. Funny how - when it's convenient - people are always the first place the other people look, huh?

"Spike!" she called. 

Silence.

"Spike! Get your pale ass out here!" 

Spike stepped out from the shadows. Dawn wrinkled her nose.

"Why'd you wait so long to appear?" she asked, confused.

"It makes me look cooler this way." Spike explained.

"Oh. Hey, I was wondering something. How come when you're in a house during the day and you stand in direct sunlight coming through a window you're fine, but you black out all the windows in your car? Shouldn't the same rule apply?"

Spike stared at Dawn blankly.

"My cat's breath smells like cat food." 

* * *

"So, let me get this straight, Little...uh, bit. Say, what the hell does that mean exactly, anyway?" Dawn glared. "Uh, sorry, got side-tracked. You want to bring Buffy back from the dead using this spell book?" 

Dawn nodded.

"I take it you're disregarding the fact that you're have no experience in witchcraft of any kind, you have no power, you've barely read over that book, there's a very high risk involved, if you're caught you'll get in deep shi-"

"Shut up! Do you want Buffy back or not?"

Spike lowered his head. 

"Yes." he said feebly.

"And do you want to know if you ever have a shot with her? *cough* nochanceinhell *cough*?"

"Yes." he said feebly.

"Well then you're gonna have to help me. I need someone to protect me if I end up bringing back some psycho loony tunes."

They continued walking through the cemetery.  
"Yeah, I got that, pet, but-"

Dawn suddenly stopped. 

"We're here." she whispered. Buffy's grave stood before them.

Dawn turned to Spike, pure resolve in her eyes. Imagine the camera zooming right up to her face, ready for her to give a kick-ass line.

"Spike....Tonight is the night you'll have someone to kick your ass again."

Spike looked at Dawn and cocked his head. She smiled apologetically.

"Sorry, I couldn't think of any dramatic scene-ending lines."

  


Any comments would be greatly appreciated, and would inevitably speed up the production and improve the quality of chapter 2.


	2. The 'plot' develops....

Author's Notes: Yes, yes, I know, it's been an absolute age since I posted the first chapter ****

Author's Notes: Yes, yes, I know, it's been an absolute age since I posted the first chapter. Sorry – but I've been busy lately. School, and all. Plus I'm running out of material to use (ideas, guys?)

Dedicated to Lynne, Pippa...and Jenn, my own personal flamer.

"Siht t'nsi yllaer nitaL! m'I ylerem gnitirw eht sdorw sdrawkcab! I rednow ohw lliw eciton!" Dawn read out the incantation. Spike, standing tensely beside her glanced down at the page she was reading from.

"Utterly clueless when it comes to magic? Can't tell your newt eyes from salamander? Then use this book! It very precisely marks out each and every spell, so you can't ever do the wrong one, producing a giant troll or something! GUARANTEED!"

__

Weird...

"Who wants to bet most 'Latin' fan fic writers have in their fics came from My First Latin-Translator (tm)?" He wondered aloud.

"Shuddup! This requires exact concentration! Even one non-spell word will turn us both green and make everything we see a dancing turkey with a crown on it's head!" Dawn yelled.

".............?"

Their lame, unfunny banter was interrupted when a giant rubber band appeared. It was floating in mid-air, and light was shining from it.

"THOU HAST SUMMONED ME." It 'said' (which was hard, as it had no mouth, or vocal cords)

Dawn took a look at the thing, then at the book she was holding. She held the book at arm's length and scrunched up her face.

"You look nothing like the picture here!"

"THOU WERE SUMMONING ORKNALOR, THE GOD OF...CONVENIENTLY BRINGING DEAD SIBLINGS BACK TO LIFE IN LAME AND UNIMAGINATIVE WAYS. BUT THOU HAST SCREWED THE SPELL UP ROYALLY. I AM THE GOD OF PLOT HOLES." 

(A/N: Sorry, I know it's been used before)

"Umm....so can you help us?"

The giant rubber band shook it's.....rear..bandy end...piece.

"I CANNOT. I AM FORBIDDEN TO."

"Goddammit, mother@:#;::@! piece of ~}/?!!" Dawn and Spike cried simultaneously.

Spike looked at Dawn approvingly. 

"You speak the accents on the @ sign very well." He commented.

The giant rubber band thing, which was now becoming very bored, interrupted. 

"I SENSE A GREAT DEAL OF LOVE FOR THE GIRL THEE WISH TO REINCARNATE. AH WELL, IT'S AN INCREDIBLY PATHETIC REASON TO BRING HER BACK, BUT THIS IS FANFIC, SO IT'LL DO. HERE YOU GO."

A very naked (but somehow tastefully covered at the same time) Buffy dropped from the sky. There was a crack.

"You stupid bitch! Her neck's broken!" Spike said angrily.

"OOPS. I KNEW DROPPING HER FROM THE SKY WAS A DUMB, STUPID IDEA. WONDER WHERE I GOT _THAT _IDEA FROM, ANYWAY? HERE'S ANOTHER ONE."

Another identical Buffy appeared at their feet. 

The giant rubber band disappeared.

Dawn and Spike stared speechlessly, as Buffy slowly got to her feet. 

"Even though we set out with the intention of bringing her back, somehow her being brought back shocks and stuns me into not being able to say anything." Spike whispered.

Buffy turned round and looked at them.

"Hey guys. I see you've brought me back from the dead."

"Uh..yeah," Spike said hesistantly. "Aren't you gonna moan at us about being at peace and being tired of fighting, etc...?"

"Nah." She said. "I was bored anyway. So...what's for lunch?"

* * *

"AHHHH!!!!! I'M NAKED IN FRONT OF _SPIKE_!!!!!!!!!!!"

* * *

Over the past few months, Spike had found himself being attracted to Dawn. Yes, for some reason his undying love for Buffy had died when he'd spent some time with the younger model. 

__

But they are so alike. Blah blah Dawn and Buffy are one, she is like the moon etc dark side. Spike thought.

"Ok," he reasoned. "Now that I've made the appropriate (*cough*LAME!*cough*) excuses, it's time to go nail Buffy's fifteen year old sister."

Chapter Three coming...well, when I have more ideas. And please, no flames from Spike fans. It's all in good fun.


End file.
